Taboo Topics Every Engaged Couple Should Talk About

Maybe you’re opting out of premarital counseling because you’re happy with the status quo. Maybe you think "If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it." But we’re pretty sure that no couple in the history of time has ever regretted going into their marriage well prepared. And while you may want to avoid talking about these topics at dinner parties, you should absolutely talk about them with your future spouse! In this blog we discuss sex, porn, death, money, politics and fighting, and share tips, tools and resources to navigate edgy conversations with as much dignity and poise as possible.

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Let’s Talk About Sex baby

Perhaps no topic is as compelling as sex. We’re obsessed with it. It permeates every aspect of our culture. It’s used to sell cars, it’s ubiquitous in music videos, an on and on. But sex in fantasy and sex in reality are often quite different, and our expectations about sex don't always match up with our lived experiences of it. This can lead to frustration and disappointment to say the least.

We may be wildly attracted to our partner but our turn on mechanisms may be vastly different. It’s too easy to make each other wrong and fall into patterns of shame and shutdown, blame and withdrawal, to assume you’re fatally sexually flawed, or to look outside your relationship for satisfaction, which is why having tools for understanding your erotic makeup can be relationship reviving.

Your Blueprint for Pleasure: Discover the 5 Erotic Types to Awaken—and Fulfill—Your Desires is an incredible resource for couples, even if their sex life is already awesome. Jaiya’s book introduces the concept of "Erotic Blueprints" which puts forth the idea that individuals have distinct patterns of sexual arousal and desire. By understanding their Erotic Blueprint type, individuals can gain insight into their unique sexual preferences, desires, and needs without making each other wrong. The book offers practical exercises, communication techniques, and strategies for deepening intimacy, and for juicer, more fulfilling sexual relationships.

And now for the elephant in the bedroom... Internet porn can be seriously addictive and damaging. Over 200,000 Americans are addicted to porn. Porn addiction can cause real harm to intimate relationships. It can create unrealistic expectations and a distorted view of sex, and it often leads to a loss of interest in real-life sexual encounters and erectile dysfunction. And, as with all forms of addiction, it generally results in secrecy, shame and deceit. If you or your partner struggle with porn addiction consider reading Your Brain on Porn by Gary Wilson

Money Matters

Money conversations can be fraught! Money is one of the main things couples fight about, so better to discuss it openly right from the start and lay it all on the table. Having transparent conversations about debt, spending habits, financial goals, joint bank accounts, and whether or not to sign a prenuptial agreement is paramount. If you find you could use some help navigating all things money, we love The Art of Money: A Life-Changing Guide to Financial Happiness by Bari Tessler. Bari helps people gain practical tools for budgeting, saving, and investing, but she also provides therapeutic techniques aimed at healing painful money stories and early conditioning around money, and fostering a healthier relationship with money in general.

Til Death

Talking about death can seem daunting, but it’s critically important. For one thing, death immediately puts things into perspective. When faced with the reality of your mortality, petty arguments and disagreements can be diffused in an instant. It makes it easier to reconcile and prioritize what truly matters - your connection and love for each other. Another reason that you should talk about death is because people in your life are absolutely going to die, and you will want to be prepared.

Having these conversations early on enables you to make important decisions together, and make legal arrangements like durable power of attorney, drafting wills, establishing trusts, and deciding on legal guardianship for any children you may have. You will have to face off with grief and loss, and you will have to do it while navigating all kinds of practical logistics, and you will have to stay connected to one another through it all. So it’s good to think deeply and thoughtfully about death, and to have open and honest conversations about your worst fears and your final wishes. Death can open such a profound doorway into the heart, and a potent reminder to live better and love harder. So instead of avoiding the topic, approach it with tenderness and vulnerability, knowing that it has the potential to create an even deeper bond between you. Here are a few ideas for exploring this rich topic…

Fill out The Five Wishes together. "The Five Wishes" is a document that helps individuals express their wishes regarding medical treatment and end-of-life care. It goes beyond a traditional living will or advance directive by addressing emotional and spiritual needs as well as medical preferences.

Attend a Death Cafe. A "Death Cafe" is a casual gathering where people come together to discuss topics related to death and dying. It's a participant-led conversation aimed at breaking taboos and promoting open dialogue about mortality. Death Cafes are open to people of all backgrounds and beliefs. They operate on the principle of mutual respect and confidentiality, allowing participants to express themselves openly without fear of judgment or criticism.

Watch BJ Miller’s Ted Talk entitled What really matters at the end of life. BJ Miller talks about what truly matters at the end of life based on his experiences as a palliative care physician and a survivor of a near-death accident.

Read The Wild Edge of Sorrow, When Breath Becomes Air, The Light of the World or The Five Invitations: Discovering What Death Can Teach Us About Living Fully. There are so many books out there about the end of life, but these are some of our personal favorites. They’re not logistical (as in they’re not about estate planning or choosing an executor for your trust,) they’re about outrageous love, devastating loss, navigating grief, and living fully.

Left, Right, Left, Right, Left

Politics can be a source of deep division and contention, especially in today's hyper polarized climate. Since politics can cause the heated arguments and incite seething hatred and misunderstanding it's crucial to foster open communication and mutual respect, even when your views diverge. Proceed with caution cause political conversations can be supercharged! Consider reading The Righteous Mind: Why Good People Are Divided by Politics and Religion together. This book offers valuable insights into the nature of political divides and provides practical strategies for couples to navigate these differences in a constructive and respectful manner. If you’re looking to cultivate empathy and understanding and find common ground, this book is a great guide.

Fight The Good Fight

Many couples think that fighting is a red flag and a sign of a troubled relationship. It's not. But how couples fight can be. In fact, how you fight is a great predictor of whether or not the relationship will last. Most people blunder into conflict without knowing what they are really fighting about and then quickly become overwhelmed by physiological responses they can’t control and emotions they don’t anticipate. But the happiest and most successful couples fight, a lot! Learning how to fight right can be your superpower. If you want some help learning how to fight the good fight, check out Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict Into Connection by relationship experts Dr. Julie Schwartz and Dr. John Gottman.

Tips for tackling taboo topics

These taboo conversations can be quite charged. But if you have some tools and ground rules you can have them safely and skillfully. Check out 6 Simple Ways to Talk About Hard Stuff on Medium. It’s important to remember that you don’t have to discuss all of these topics in one sitting. Pace yourselves goddammit! And after you discover areas that need tending, and you create actionable steps to tend them, consider using a game based app like Super Better to make actualizing those steps fun and enlivening.

Quote sources in order: Tom Robbins, Ralph Waldo Emerson, Charles Bukowski, Cynthia L. Haven, Crismarie Campbell