How to officiate a wedding: An officiant cheat sheet for the friend/family officiant
Learn how to officiate a wedding and you too can be cool as a cucumber up there.
As professional officiants we know a whole bunch about how to officiate a wedding. Just showing up and reading some words doesn’t quite cut it! We created this how to officiate a wedding cheat sheet to pass along our best tips and tricks to give the first time officiant everything they need to officiate an extraordinary wedding ceremony.
PREpARE, PREPARE, PREPARE
A wedding ceremony is not a great time to “wing it,” (unless of course that is what your super casual couple wants.) It takes time to write a ceremony, to personalize stories, to create a beautiful and cohesive flow that meets the magnitude of the occasion. Ideally, you’ll start months in advance, having numerous conversations with the couple. You’ll want a really solid idea about the type of ceremony they are looking for, whether or not they want extra readings or rituals, the tone, etc.
This is the number one reason we created Owl & Rose Ceremonies: to help friend and family officiants feel well prepared. We’re biased, but our ceremony scripts provide you with an exceptional starting point. The scripts were written to be used as is, but with just a little bit of effort, you can turn one of our non traditional wedding ceremony scripts into something unique and personal. (And we give you loads of personalization resources and how tos when you purchase a script.) Basically, our scripts give you a huge head start!
Do yourself a favor, start preparing/writing the ceremony way in advance, search for scripts, or make it easy on yourself and check out our Etsy store or Ceremony Script page here on Owl and Rose.
Make it Official
The best advice we can give you about how to officiate a wedding is to study up on local laws. Your best laid plans could be for naught if your ceremony is not legally binding because you missed an important step regarding your marriage license. So…
Know the Regulations:
You’ll find the best information about obtaining a marriage license and who is authorized to sign that license from your local county clerk. (Or the county clerk in the state/county where your nuptials are taking place.) You’ll want to make sure that you clearly understand the rules, regulations and specifications about how to sign and submit a marriage license. Keep in mind that getting the actual, physical license is something only the couple can do. Additionally, there are some states where the officiant is the only one allowed to submit the license after the wedding. Again, make sure you know the rules in the state and county where your wedding is taking place. Believe us when we say that it can be a total headache when you don’t!
Get Ordained…
When does your friend or family officiant need to be ordained? Most states require a licensed minister to sign the marriage license. That said, most states also accept online ordination to fulfill the requirements of being a licensed minister. While there are numerous ways to get ordained online, the best known options are the Universal Life Church and American Marriage Ministries.
Keep in mind that some states are cracking down on online ordination, and only accepting “ministers” who can prove they actually studied ministry. This is another reason why it is so important to do some research with the county clerk in advance, and the two sites above are chock full of information as well.
Or Self Solemnize…
Self solemnization or a self uniting marriage allows a couple to be married in the absence of a licensed officiant. (That is, the couple is allowed to "marry themselves," and when the license is signed, the couple declares that they themselves proclaim themselves to be married.) Self-uniting marriage licenses can be legally obtained in eight states (California, Colorado, Illinois, Kansas, Maine, Nevada, Pennsylvania) and in the District of Columbia. Requirements and stipulations vary greatly by state, so again, check with the local county clerk’s office, don’t just trust google.
If you are getting married in a state that allows for self solemnization, that means that you can have someone who is not officially ordained deliver your ceremony. The self solemnization laws don’t specify how you actually get married, as long as you file the necessary paperwork and/or witness signatures. So… you can have anyone you like lead your ceremony, as long as you sign the license saying that you married yourselves.
An excellent Friend or Family Officiant
Who to choose & How to know You’re the right one for the job
Choose someone who has a penchant for public speaking and of course, someone who doesn’t feel shy in front of a crowd. As we said above, learning how to officiate a wedding goes beyond reading some words off a page. You want the ceremony to come to life, to come off the page and reach the people. Choosing someone you love but who you know will be mumbling or looking down at the page the whole time is far from ideal! Choose someone who is grounding, a friendly presence, and who won’t get swept up with nervousness. And as much as it helps to choose someone who is comfortable being the center of attention… you want to choose someone who understands that they are NOT the center of attention on your wedding day, you are! ;-)
Get ‘em a gift!
Even if they don’t have to write the ceremony script from scratch because you’re using an Owl & Rose script, officiating a wedding takes time and care and is stressful and demanding in ways you might not even realize. Since your friend will probably not take cash from you, get them a gift. Something meaningful… and don't skimp! Thank them for the energetic and emotional output, and of course, for being your friend! If it’s a destination wedding, maybe offer to cover their travel. Show them that you appreciate their efforts.
Pre Ceremony Tips
You’ve figured out the license and licensing requirements, and now it is time to prepare for the ceremony. Here are some how to officiate a wedding tips you’ll want to think about before the ceremony.
MICROPHONE
If the wedding guests number over 50 or so, you’ll want to be mic'd. What’s worse than planning a ceremony that no one can hear?! If there is a DJ or band for the reception, many of them will offer to set up the sound for the ceremony. If not, there are many places that will rent you equipment. We suggest using a hands-free microphone (lapel mic) so you can hold the script without having to manage a mic, too. (And who wants a mic stand to show up in photos?)
Wardrobe
Make sure you know the style of the wedding, like whether it’s black tie formal or Sunday best or casual. You might also want to ask the couple if what you wear is important to them, or what their wedding colors are so you can make sure to match and not clash. If you are someone who enjoys wearing heels, make sure you won’t be standing on grass. A sinking officiant is not a good look! Generally, unless there is a specific theme for the wedding, you’ll want to look professional and well put together, dressed in tones that don’t clash.
Practice, practice, practice!
The more familiar you are with the ceremony script (and the more you speak it out loud) the easier it will be to deliver it. It sucks when the officiant looks down at the page the whole time and doesn’t make any eye contact, or reads the officiant speech in a lackluster and un-animated way because they are unfamiliar with the material.
Get a binder
You’ll want to think about how you’ll be holding the ceremony script, because a bunch of loose printouts won’t cut it! If you’re crafty, you can bind the script with some beautiful paper to have a more solid front and back. You can purchase a 3 ring binder, a leather portfolio, or you can paste/hand write the script in a lovely journal. You’ll want something with a stiff-ish backing, so the script is not flying in the wind.
Rehearsal
Rehearsals are super important, especially if you are an amateur officiant, and/or if the wedding party is large and the procession is highly involved. Having a rehearsal helps everyone know where they are standing, and how and with whom they are walking, etc. If the couple is working with a wedding planner, they will usually handle all the rehearsal logistics. If there is no planner, you can help the couple organize the rehearsal.
In advance of the rehearsal, the couple needs to decide who will be a part of the processional (just wedding party, parents, grandparents, etc.) At the rehearsal, we suggest gathering the whole wedding party at the altar, and having them stand in the positions they will be in during the ceremony. (Example: officiant in the front/center, the couple on either side of officiant, the wedding party lined up on either side of the couple.)
Once you’ve decided where folks will be standing (spacing, position etc.) you can practice the end of the ceremony (aka the recessional.) As the officiant, this is a good time to get cheeky and pretend you are at the end of the ceremony, and ask the couple to practice their first kiss. After they kiss, everyone present can cheer, and the couple begins to walk back down the aisle. Once they have gotten a ways away (at least past the last row of guests) the wedding party can practice their walk back down the aisle. (Usually as couples, two at a time, with about 10 seconds in between each couple.)
Important: Tell the wedding party to stay lined up in the order they walked back down the aisle! That is, as they walk back down the aisle, the first couple down should stop at a predetermined stopping point, and turn around to face the altar area again. Then the next couple reaches the first couple, and turns around/lines up in front of them. And so on. That is now the order in which the wedding (whether as couples or individuals) will walk down the aisle for the procession, which you can now practice, first lining up any extras (parents, flower/ring people, etc) in their positions.
Ceremony And Day Of Tips
Sound check
Test the mic and sound with the DJ, or if the equipment was rented, make sure you know how to set it up and use it. (Also make sure the rented speaker is plugged into a functioning outlet, and if battery operated, make sure it is 100% charged.)
Vows/Rings/Rituals
Make sure you know who will be sharing vows first, if that is important to the couple. If the couple does not really care, you can always ask, “who wants to go first” during the ceremony. Make sure you know where the vows and rings are. If the couple’s garb includes pockets, they may be able to hold their own vows, if not, you or a member of their wedding party can hold the vows for them. Rings are often held by a member of the wedding party, such as the best person. If you are including any unity rituals in the ceremony, make sure you have all the props in place before the ceremony begins.
License
Make sure you know where the license is being kept, so it can be easily found for signing after the ceremony.
delivering the Ceremony
Go slow! Be present and grounded. Try and make eye contact with the couple and their community from time to time. And remember, just because it is a ceremony, you still get to be human. It’s okay to roll with whatever comes your way: a sobbing parent, a flower child that is taking their sweet time, rings that didn’t make it to the altar. No matter how prepared you are, things don’t always go according to plan. It’s okay! If you stay present, you’ll handle tricky moments with ease and grace.
Tissues, tissues, tissues
Have tissues or a hankie available. It’s likely that one or both parties will shed some tears during the ceremony. Having tissues handy is a great way to make the couple feel cared for, and to pull it off like a pro!
First Kiss
Step aside, right quick! No one wants a third presence in their first kiss photos and seasoned officiants are used to quickly jumping out of the shot. After you pronounce them married, you’ll emphatically exclaim, “You may now kiss.” And as you say those words, start your hustle off to the side so you can remove yourself from the photo. (You can hide behind the bridal party or get in line with them.)
Tears of Joy
If you are a friend or family member officiant, you’ll likely be feeling all the feels while you officiate their ceremony. You might get a little choked up. This is good! It’s an emotional moment, and your ability to emote will make the ceremony that much more authentic. What is not so good is crying your way through the whole ceremony. We’ve seen that happen, and no matter how good the ceremony is, it just ruins it when the officiant can’t maintain their composure. There has to be a balance, with the scales tipping heavily to the “maintain composure” side. Get your tears out before and after the ceremony, not during.
We hope these tips about how to officiate a wedding have been helpful. When you prepare in advance, show up ready, and stay present, we guarantee that it will be beautiful! Don’t hesitate to contact us if you need any additional help.