Vow Writing Do’s And Don’ts

We realize that most couples are writing wedding vows for the first time and that it can feel impossible to translate the enormity of your feelings into adequate words. We know that most couples have no idea where to begin, and so they do the thing we all do when we don’t know where to start… they Google it. When you search for "wedding vows," the internet will bombard you with rehashed cliches, sweeping declarations of undying and forever, Hollywood-happily-ever-after, syrupy sweet wedding vows.

But there is another, more authentic and articulate way to express your love in the moment. After helping over 1000 couples write and refine their wedding vows, we know that it’s possible to write wedding vows that express the full range of what's inside your heart on your wedding day. Of course your love is full of big feelings that make your heart swell, but committed intimate relationships are more nuanced than cotton candy ;) And we’re not just talking about what you say, because it’s also how you say it. 

So we decided to share some wedding vows dos and don’ts to help you write vows that are authentic and dimensional, full of textured emotions and real, lived experiences, but not so saccharine as to be flat and uninspired.

Don’t ramble on and on. 

Vows are an art in distillation - an exercise in capturing essence vs. saying all the things. Don’t lose yourself in too many sentiments. In our experience the sweet spot is around 300-400 words, or about 2-3 minutes. Be succinct, share the diamond, and make each word count. Shorter vows can be much more potent than long, rambling ones. Don’t water them down with too many words. Be unsentimental with your edits. Go back and cut out redundant adjectives, thoughts and ideas. What you lose in volume you will gain in potency! Trust is, succinct is sexy!

Don’t make your vows a joke from beginning to end. 

Laughter is good medicine, so don’t be afraid to toss in a joke or two. But don’t make your vows a joke from start to finish. Humor should be the seasoning, not the main dish. After all, these are the words that frame your commitment, bind you in marriage, and inspire you to reach a little further and try a little harder. So if you’re choosing to include some humor, be sure to balance the silly and the sacrosanct. Your vows will be richer, more dynamic and more emotionally impactful.

Don’t make promises you know you can’t keep.

People want to be romantic and make grand, sweeping declarations in their vows, but if that means knowingly promising something that you will never be able to do or be, dial it down, or consider omitting it altogether.

Simple tweaks can make all the difference. Instead of saying “I’ll never hurt you,” consider saying “I’ll do my best not to hurt you” or “I’ll never hurt you intentionally.”

One groom we know wanted to include his journey with addiction his vows. Rather than saying “I promise to never drink again,” he said “I promise to take my sobriety seriously, and to recognize the ways that my sobriety impacts our relationship.” That’s what we’re talking about… making the promise, but doing so in a way that is honest and attainable. 

Do be specific. 

The following is an example of a sentiment that has been cut and pasted from the internet ad nauseam that lacks luster and comes off cliche: “I choose to marry you today because of everything you were, everything you are, and everything you will be.”

One of the things that makes this statement lame is that it is vague AF. Anyone can feel that this statement is rehashed and insubstantial – it feels like an empty, throw away sentiment. If you really want to say something that references the past, present and future, consider something like: “I choose to marry you because of the spunky, adventurous person you were when we met, the beautiful, self-possessed person you are today, and because I can't wait to see the badass person (and parent) you will be in the future.” Can you feel how specificity changes the whole energy and meaning? Make it your own by inserting 1-2 of the qualities that drew you to your fiance in the first place, 1-2 of your favorite qualities they posses now, and 1-2 of the qualities you are most excited about seeing them embody in the future.

Do Slow down.

Exchanging vows can be emotional, vulnerable and profoundly intimate. In a culture in which we tend to judge, suppress and avoid big emotions, many people “deal” by avoiding eye contact and racing through their wedding vows. But looking down at your vow book without stopping, pausing, breathing, or making eye contact really diminishes the experience. Sharing your vows is an amazing opportunity for connection and communion, so we encourage you to make the most of it! Consider writing yourself little “breathe” or “pause” or “look at them now” prompts in between the various sections of your vows.

Do be honest.

Your vows don’t need to be all about the positive. No relationship is a perfect union of perfect partners. You can mention challenges you’ve overcome, hard moments, areas of growth. There is absolutely a way to frame your vows in such a way that they are both honest and affirmative—meaning that you can language them in a way that feels positive and generative without pretending that the challenges don’t exist. We know from experience that it is 100% possible to reference rough patches without harboring on them. Honesty adds texture to vows, it makes them reflect the true journey and not some idealized fiction of feigned perfection. It humanizes your relationship and everyone else present.

Do check out our vow writing tutorial.

If you want help capturing all the love and hope you feel in a few hundred words, and writing wedding vows that will really land for you and your future spouse, then check out our vow writing tutorial. Not Your Mama’s Wedding Vows: A Step By Step Framework For Writing Your Perfect Wedding Vows is a step by step tutorial that guides you through a clear and simple framework for writing your perfect wedding vows. We explain exactly what to write about, down to how many sentences to write. Our vow guide is full of writing prompts, inspiration and examples (which you might want to steal because the examples are gooood.) This instantly downloadable PDF vow tutorial takes away the stress and the confusion, gives you inspiring, clear direction, and guarantees awesome results.